Suicidal

I think about suicide a lot. I told my shrink who was alarmed until I assured I wasn’t going to do it. I just think it wouldn’t be such a bad idea. No one needs me and most of the time I feel, yes, it would be easier for everyone if they didn’t have to think about me in their lives anymore. I enjoy life. I enjoy MY life so I know I’m not going to act on any suicidal thoughts I may have. I do think about it though. Not every day, but do have a fleeting thought a few times a week. The thoughts come at the strangest times. The other day it was coming back from a walk with my dog, I thought, “Could you end it now?” And then, “No. Who would take care of Jane (My chihuahua)?” I test my feelings like taking my temperature. I’ve promised my doctor I’ll call if I need her and I mean it. I take medication for anxiety and depression and have for over 20 years. I know several people who handle their depressive episodes without meds and they prefer it that way for a variety of reasons. I can’t imagine having to fight so hard every single day to pull yourself out of the rabbit hole. I’ve been depressed and thinking about suicide since I was 12 and went on meds when I was 50. I’m now 72. Thirty eight years of bad depressive episodes with no meds and no suicide. Yes, it can be done but it’s so exhausting.That’s when suicide was in the forefront of my mind constantly but I still knew I woudln’t go through with it. I gave up my artistic mania to not be tired. I miss the mania but don’t miss having to fight so hard. I understand being suicidal so well.
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